I feel like I’ve been handed something I thought would take years to accomplish. Part of me is irritated that I didn’t pursue a management position years ago when it became clear that I was built for leadership. But I can’t throw away the last 8 years of work. I learned a lot about human nature. That has to be worth something.
Something has happened. I’m hesitant to write about it, because I’m still fighting the fear that it won’t last. But since this happening is centered around encouraging my best life possible, I’m going to hazard to write about it anyway!
I completed another page from Johanna Basord’s Secret Garden coloring book last night. I started it at my mom’s over Thanksgiving by applying a light pink “wash” over the whole page so the background wouldn’t be plain white. I’m happy with the result. I’m not a water color genius, but it looks better than the average bear. My creative, INFJ side can breathe a bit easier.
It’s no secret [in my quiet world of reflection] that I’m discouraged about the way I treat my body. It’s rarely sick, it stays up late, gets up early, stares at screens for countless hours, and provides on-demand inspiration for work, school, and family needs. Why I can’t manage to be nice to it, feed it good things, take it out to smell the freakin’ roses… I cannot fathom. My naturopath distilled the frustrations as my simply not caring enough about myself; taking care of everyone else before I take care of myself. Well, that inspiration has lost its effectiveness.
I’ve created a spread in my journal, and I’ve been intentional about setting it up for success. I have not listed the next 100 days. No, I’ve listed the next 59% with the intention of writing the date when I’ve done something to achieve 1% improvement. Maybe it will turn out to be a “nice try,” or maybe it will change my life, but I have to do something. Standing still cannot be my life.
There was a time, not six months ago, when I dreaded anyone asking me what my interests were. Depression was eating away at the marrow of my life, and I didn’t have the will to have interests. I watched TV shows and movies. I ate out a lot. Occasionally I would play the piano, just to have some semblance of living my life for more than work and sleep.
This morning I realized I’m developing interests! Natural, organic, true interests. I woke up at 5:00 yesterday morning and spent two hours browsing the Internet for all things “organizer.” I even blogged about my discoveries before I got ready for work.
This morning I’m up and at it again! It’s such an alien notion, I was sincerely confused as to why in the world my head was popping off the pillow with a mind for coffee and YouTube.
Then I realized, I like something. It doesn’t matter that it won’t change the world. It doesn’t matter that it isn’t a noble cause. It’s just something that gets my blood flowing. It’s enough to threaten tears! My life has me in it again. It’s like a welcome home party.
“I started a business consulting business!” I couldn’t take the words back. I realized I sounded like an imbecile about half-way through the exclamation and completely killed the delivery. But the words were out before I could think twice about them and I immediately regretted having put absolutely no thought into how I should describe myself in person now.