I feel like I’ve been handed something I thought would take years to accomplish. Part of me is irritated that I didn’t pursue a management position years ago when it became clear that I was built for leadership. But I can’t throw away the last 8 years of work. I learned a lot about human nature. That has to be worth something.
My last day at my job of five years was June 10th. My first day at the architectural and engineering firm that claimed to love me was June 13th. Last Wednesday, July 27th, I had a feeling that I should call up my friend to catch up. Between my classes sucking up every spare molecule of brain function and willpower and her parents needing help moving from their decades-long residence, neither of us had found the time to connect lately.
I turned in my key today. It was less satisfying than I thought it would be. I’m anxious about this next step. I’ve wanted to quit my job almost from the day I started five years ago, but I didn’t walk out the door until today. Loyal to a fault, I believe some would say.
This post is literally a month in the making, so please bear with the random turns it takes…
My dad paid good money awhile back for a series of audio recordings and a workbook to help someone setup a blog. The problem with his plan was that he never listened to the recordings or went through the workbook.
At the end of my four-day Thanksgiving vacation, mentally well-armed with having washed, dried, folded, and put away every article of dirty clothing in the house, I cracked the workbook.
Work was Monday. I met with the HR manager in the afternoon and let her know I’m looking for another position. I’ve talked to her a few times before about the roadblocks I’ve faced at work, so she wasn’t surprised. She’s very grounded, and even-keel by nature, so talking to her felt more like talking to a friend. She’s going to keep the news to herself until it’s more serious. I told her I’m not just looking for anything, so it could take some time. The only reason I went to her this soon was because I’ve applied with the staffing agency that she uses, and I didn’t want there to be any conflict of interest. She said there wouldn’t be any problem. They’ll treat me well and find me a good place.
I completed another page from Johanna Basord’s Secret Garden coloring book last night. I started it at my mom’s over Thanksgiving by applying a light pink “wash” over the whole page so the background wouldn’t be plain white. I’m happy with the result. I’m not a water color genius, but it looks better than the average bear. My creative, INFJ side can breathe a bit easier.
Wednesday night I browsed my computer to dust off my resume. It’s not the first time in the last five years. Apparently I’ve updated that resume three or four times, but nothing has ever come of it, except maybe a raise when I mentioned that I had other options. But I’m sick of coercion. It isn’t satisfying to get what you want by holding someone’s feet to the fire. And I’m probably stupid to think they would come back offering more later. They never intended to offer me what I have now, so they’re certainly never going to offer me more.
Life shows no signs of slowing down. My stress level seems to be at a new constant. I refuse to let the river overtake me. I signed up for this madness, so I am adapting. I am building a raft. The raft sounds boring and safe, but it’s going to keep me afloat. It’s made up of “bed by 10:00 on any night I’m not doing homework” and “accept every opportunity to spend time with friends and family”. I am not going to allow this life to alienate me from the people I love, so if it means I work and do homework for 16 hours on most days, I will do it.
Work is worse. My manager didn’t back me up this morning when I was trying to enforce policy. Instead, she overruled my decision, and decided to use it as a teaching moment to explain to me that this is why people think I’m so stubborn.