I feel like I’ve been handed something I thought would take years to accomplish. Part of me is irritated that I didn’t pursue a management position years ago when it became clear that I was built for leadership. But I can’t throw away the last 8 years of work. I learned a lot about human nature. That has to be worth something.
My last day at my job of five years was June 10th. My first day at the architectural and engineering firm that claimed to love me was June 13th. Last Wednesday, July 27th, I had a feeling that I should call up my friend to catch up. Between my classes sucking up every spare molecule of brain function and willpower and her parents needing help moving from their decades-long residence, neither of us had found the time to connect lately.
I didn’t marry a man named Spike just to throw my mother for a loop.
After the first decade of my adult life, I recognized a natural strength in Spike that could balance the natural strength I found in myself. After playing the role of the strong, decisive, manager of every relationship I had ever developed, I met my match; someone I could flex my strength and my opinion to the nth degree and still feel feminine.
I turned in my key today. It was less satisfying than I thought it would be. I’m anxious about this next step. I’ve wanted to quit my job almost from the day I started five years ago, but I didn’t walk out the door until today. Loyal to a fault, I believe some would say.
Have you ever taken a personality test and cringed at the result? We had an exercise in my business strategy class tonight to discern the degree of our Machiavellian nature. I wasn’t just high Machiavellian. I was the most Machiavellian in my class: Always employs manipulation in business practices.
There’s something about vision that people don’t seem to talk about. I expected that when I received a vision for my life it would be grand and detailed and all the details would be spelled out. But the vision I’m catching isn’t overt or spoken from the sky. There hasn’t been a big booming voice describing the purpose of my life these last two weeks. There is simply a trend emerging that keeps pointing and nudging me in a certain direction. I don’t exactly know where I’m going, but I’m seeing small pieces off it; teaching in a seminar, setting an example for non-profit leadership, re-organizing business structures, helping others to catch their entrepreneurial dreams.
Paralyzed. I don’t know how else to describe the days I’ve spent this past week after declaring my plans to branch out with my own business. It feels like failure before I’ve even begun! I know exactly what steps I need to take, and I haven’t even leaned in those directions. Every reason I have is an excuse… and they’re all full of fear.