Actress Vivien Leigh Looking Over Her Shoulder
Vivien Leigh

I turned in my key today. It was less satisfying than I thought it would be. I’m anxious about this next step. I’ve wanted to quit my job almost from the day I started five years ago, but I didn’t walk out the door until today. Loyal to a fault, I believe some would say.

But now comes the moment of truth. I have no real hope that the grass is greener on the side I’m moving to, but at least it’s different grass. Different sheep. I cannot abide boredom. It’s a petty destroyer of souls. 

Maybe this new job will be everything I’ve been looking for. Maybe it will just be a stepping stone. In either case, I’m finally moving on. Remind me to be less loyal to things that hurt me, will you? The last two weeks, working out my notice, have been chalk-full of unsurprising comments that somehow still cut me to the core. Unsurprising, but disappointing. I really was holding out hope that they would turn over a new leaf and come crawling, begging me to stay, swearing to treat me better.

A few kind-hearted individuals that I’ve connected with gave me cards and farewell flowers and toasted my new journey at lunch. The other 90% didn’t say a word. They just let me leave. I’m not surprised, but I’m still disappointed. No matter what you say and think and feel about horrible people, at the end of the day, sometimes you really just wish you were wrong about them; that somewhere deep inside they have the ability to be human.

Machiavelli indeed. It’s no wonder I’ve become so cynical. Nearly everywhere I turn someone reacts with insecurity or jealousy. I know it’s true because the people I connect deepest with are solidly self-aware and supremely confident about who they are. It’s no wonder people think I’m arrogant and pushy and I never win any popularity contests. I’m always seen as a threat.

Maybe that will change. My new job is in a technical field. I will literally be on the bottom of the totem pole with my puny bachelor’s degree, assisting engineers and architects and project managers. Maybe I will finally be in a bigger pond and people won’t feel so unnerved by my solidarity.



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