I’ve waited so long for this thing I wanted.
In an instant it was a petty insignificance.
She had what I wanted, without even trying.
My jealousy and rage toward the injustice was instantly ignited.
Then the guilt dragged me to depths of profound disappointment.
How could my first thought be of myself?
Every micro-expression on my face must have communicated judgment.
My recovery was pitiable.
I hugged her and smiled and said I was happy for her.
It was my best, and my best was a sorry failure.
How could I be so unkind?
I don’t know how to apologize.
I don’t know how to explain without making it worse.
She has what I will likely never have.
And I cannot be what she needs.