Jealousy and Guilt

guilt by burning-shark |


I’ve waited so long for this thing I wanted.
In an instant it was a petty insignificance.

She had what I wanted, without even trying.
My jealousy and rage toward the injustice was instantly ignited.
Then the guilt dragged me to depths of profound disappointment.
How could my first thought be of myself?
Every micro-expression on my face must have communicated judgment.
My recovery was pitiable.
I hugged her and smiled and said I was happy for her.
It was my best, and my best was a sorry failure.
How could I be so unkind?
I don’t know how to apologize.
I don’t know how to explain without making it worse.
She has what I will likely never have.

And I cannot be what she needs.


4 thoughts on “Jealousy and Guilt

  1. I read your post earlier but wasn’t able to reply.

    My heart bleeds for you, Mama Spike, because I’m pretty sure I know what the situation is.

    I wish I were there to hug you. I know that wouldn’t make anything better. That won’t take away the feelings of jealousy or injustice. That won’t take away your hurt.

    You’re in my thoughts and I want you to know that I love you, uncondionally, which might sound sort of creeperish coming from an online blogging buddy, but I feel like you know what I mean.

    You’re an amazing person. It’s ok to feel jealous. It’s ok to feel wronged. It’s ok to hurt. You’re allowed to feel.

    I’m worried about the guilt aspect of the emotions. I know it’s going to be a lot like saying, “Try not to breathe,” but… try not to beat yourself up for being human. It’s ok to be human. *hugs*

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m sure you could guess the basic situation, but I’ve been able to handle those for quite some time. Because of the circumstances, this one hit me right between the eyes. It caught me totally off guard and I was shocked by my reaction. I should have been supportive and happy like I’ve learned to be, but somehow jealousy crept in and utterly ruined the moment. I’m still recovering. Working out my notice at work and attempting to keep up with TWO accelerated classes has taken its emotional toll. I’ll keep it together though. I always do.

      Thank you for your impeccable words of support and encouragement. You have no idea how much it meant to me to check-in with my notifications in the middle of the day and read your comments. You are a gift and a treasure and highly cherished. I hope you know that.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Emotional discord coupled with a crazy schedule…

        Maybe take a few seconds? Deep, deep breaths with eyes close, exhaling completely each time and letting some of the tension go. It sounds like a rough situation, but you’re right. You’ll keep it together. We both will. We got this.

        Image related.

        You are most welcome for my previous comment. I’m glad it was able to help you. You’re words are impeccable as well. Your comment helped me through my day and made me smile. : )

        Liked by 1 person

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