Change the Stars

Do you ever feel like you’re wandering on the edge of a revelation; as if you’re about to discover some great nugget of wisdom? I’ve felt this way before, but not for so many consecutive days. It’s usually just a few moments in the midst of studying.

I’m uncomfortable with existing in this state. It feels like catching the scent of bread baking and not remembering when I put the loaf in the oven. How long has it been in there? Is it almost ready? How will I know when to take it out? It smells wonderful, but am I about to let it burn?

If I meditate on the surrounding subject, will I discover what’s behind this feeling, or will it disappear and pretend it never existed? Will I find that the wisdom I hoped to find was really just indigestion?

“Their lives are better now,” sounds so arrogant. Is it true in the ways it matters? Empirically, yes. Is it true in the ways I hoped for my children? 
I didn’t have nine months to dream dreams for them. I’ve never had the space to do that. We’ve been surviving through the months, fighting off dragons, but the fulfilled life I hoped for my children… I haven’t given them that. 

I’ve given them security and safety and guidance, but not my dreams… Not enough. They’re children, and I’m their guardian. How can I let them flourish without my dreams for them?

This is what comes from being guarded. I didn’t even realize I was holding back. Their stars are changing, but what constellation will they live under?

Investigative Validation

To anybody you I will not give by mechtaniya | DeviantArt.com

“Based on the information provided and the information obtained, it appears at this time it is in the best interest of the children to remain in the care of Ms. and Mr. [Spike] and the guardianship be granted.”

The Investigator’s Report to Court is in black and white and sitting on my desk. I’ve been staring at the last sentence most of the evening, and I’m still exhaling. The court will make their decision based on that official recommendation. Until now we have only been able to hope and pray the investigators would see through the lies and truly see what’s going on.

They saw it. Thank God. Twelve more days until our next hearing, but they can pass in peace. The girls will be safe. They’ll be with us.

“When you are appointed by the court as a guardian of a minor, you become an officer of the court and assume certain duties and obligations… If the probate court appoints you as a guardian of the person for a child, you will be required to assume important duties and obligations…

The guardian of the person of a child has the care, custody, and control of the child. As guardian, you are responsible for food, clothing, shelter, education, and all the medical and dental needs of the child. You must provide for the safety, protection, and physical and emotional growth of the child.

“As guardian… you have full legal and physical custody of the child and are responsible for all decisions relating to the child. The child’s parents can no longer make decisions for the child while there is a guardianship. The parents’ rights are suspended – not terminated – as long as a guardian is appointed for a minor…”

Duties of Guardian, Superior Court of California

If the judge signs the order, we will have the official papers in less than two weeks. I’m surprised how shocked I am at that reality. I knew I was guarding myself against the worse-case scenario, but now I can feel just how guarded I was. The weights are slowly coming off my shoulders, but I still feel vigilant.

Their dad has a history of violence involving weapons, even guns. He’s a coward and a liar, but he’s dangerous. And we’ve just beat him at “the war” he started. God help us.

Organic Organization – Chromolog

I’ve invented something. Probably. At least, I can’t find anything else quite like it. If you remember, I slightly lost my mind a bit over Chronodex awhile back. I loved the concept! I watched more YouTube videos than I care to admit with people demonstrating how they plan their day with colors on a clock. But watching people set their schedules in stone with colored pens and pencils started to give me anxiety: “You can’t erase that! Even if you could, what a mess!”

Continue reading Organic Organization – Chromolog

Hug A Saint

“I’m just glad you’re here,” my Writing comforts me. I’ve stopped apologizing for absences. The Words don’t criticize me, so why should I be chastised? My heart is heavy, so I’m here. I don’t know what to Pray, so I wait. I know He’s here, and the Peace lets me take a deep breath. My pulse slows. I exhale and close my eyes briefly to shut out the lights, but my mind whirls in every direction until I open my eyes again. The Words will find a focus where my mind hears only chaos.

“What is it?” my Words ask. My hands are steady, but my chest is tight. Fourteen days. Will the countdowns end? Am I strong enough to endure it with a degree of grace?

The problem with being branded a saint is that people expect that it’s easy to just keep living like one. They’re uncomfortable with the idea that it’s hard, as if only certain people can do great things; as if only certain people can be exceptional and it’s easy for them.

With a single decision a person can alter the course of their life. Many only think of that concept in terms of ruining their lives, ending up in jail, or in the gutter. But a single decision can permanently alter your path in a positive, uphill direction as well. If you pull a kid out of the street or you decide to work as a paramedic, you could be branded a hero.

But it isn’t easy. Your saints are faking if they pretend it is. It isn’t glamorous. The thoughts a saint has are not always admirable. They’re human, make no mistake. But the more admired they become, the more pressure they feel to hide what doesn’t belong in the picture. They see the look in people’s eyes when they voice their insecurities, and they slowly retreat to take a more powerful stance. “I don’t know how I’m going to get through this,” transforms into, “Everything happens for a reason.”

Their friends raise them higher. They’re acquaintances deify their very existence. And the saint starts believing their own catch-phrases. They forget they’re capable of fear. They deny themselves the need for true human connection. They encourage others in their struggles, but never seek out a listening ear for themselves. Their lives become a living encouragement, and frighteningly capable of toppling the faith of others if they fail to live up to all the expectations.

The thing is, no one quite knows how to communicate with heroes. Congratulations abound, but unless another hero comes along who understands, no one has quite the right things to say. “Wow, that’s amazing!” needs am empathetic counterpart: “Do you feel safe? Can I call to check on you tomorrow? I can stay if you don’t want to be alone. I can listen if you want to talk about it.”

It’s hard to find that friend when everyone believes heroes and saints are born, not raised; destined, not determined. “Do not grow weary in doing good,” I remember, but what an admonition. Where are the people who give rest to those travelers?

Life and Chronicles

I’ve missed you. Since last we met, my life took on life. Fullfillment is mine. The story is yours. It inspires me to drive on. It scatters hope along the path, looking for rich soil. Some seeds fall among rocks, never to take root. Some fall in with weeds, choked out by circumstance. But where there is life, hope will begin its journey again. It will seek out those in pain. It will comfort the burdened. It will lift the broken from the pit. 

The well-lived life is a rarity. Even more rare is its record. Let its light give light to all those around it. Let its warmth stretch arms around the abandoned. Your words are a guide. Don’t doubt their power. Don’t doubt your influence. Don’t doubt your ability to make a difference in the lives of those you’ve received as friends. Don’t wonder if your encouragement will sink into the heart of family.

Be wise and be bold. Your life is worthy of connection. Your heart is well-formed for the tasks at hand.

“What are Your Hobbies?”

There was a time, not six months ago, when I dreaded anyone asking me what my interests were. Depression was eating away at the marrow of my life, and I didn’t have the will to have interests. I watched TV shows and movies. I ate out a lot. Occasionally I would play the piano, just to have some semblance of living my life for more than work and sleep.

This morning I realized I’m developing interests! Natural, organic, true interests. I woke up at 5:00 yesterday morning and spent two hours browsing the Internet for all things “organizer.” I even blogged about my discoveries before I got ready for work.

This morning I’m up and at it again! It’s such an alien notion, I was sincerely confused as to why in the world my head was popping off the pillow with a mind for coffee and YouTube. 

Then I realized, I like something. It doesn’t matter that it won’t change the world. It doesn’t matter that it isn’t a noble cause. It’s just something that gets my blood flowing. It’s enough to threaten tears! My life has me in it again. It’s like a welcome home party.

Organic Organization Continued…

Writing by LeoNn | DeviantArt.com

My INFJ side is still on a quest to discover all things new in analog, written organization. Just a warning, this post might come off as a bit of a sales pitch. I’m not sponsored by any of these companies, but in case there’s interest in these items, I’ve included several links.

Continue reading Organic Organization Continued…

5 am

I was on the road for work again today. Six hours in the car plus seven hours of training a new admin. I’m spent. But at 5:00 this morning, when I got on the road, I had the rare opportunity to witness the activity of people who appear to exude excellence.

At five o’clock in the morning, people are out running. I’ve heard of this rare breed, but I don’t think I’ve ever seen them in their natural habitat. The moon is still up, and these people are attacking the day!

I couldn’t help but wonder what some of them must be like. Are they all classic, type-A personalities? How long have they made a habit to go running that early? How often do they go?

I’m truly fascinated, but not quite inspired to take up the habit myself. Someone has to “sleep in” and smell the coffee. It might as well be me!